the great love – η μεγάλη αγάπη
We’re almost there – winter. We’ve been visited a few times, the rains and winds touched in and the woodlands’ colorful halo is fading. Oak trees have shed their brightly burnished crown and though the tenacious few still cling, the now browned leaves waiting for the next big blow to strip them away and thrust the trees into their dormant state. I have felt as though I am caught between the heavens and the underworld–my words have been, too. Like those pine seeds that need to go through fire in order to germinate, I have a need to pass through my own fire, the holy ‘within’, the clutch of winter driving me there and in that place the words incubate, emerging to spring to life.
I need the winter.
I’ve been asked by several people to write about my grand love affair with Greece. No better time for me to call that up than now, when nightly freezes betray the warm days and the light shortens, promising not only winter but also my yearning for the great peace that place provides! However, I am not known to be brief, so if it is a quick read you need, well, you will want to leave this page now!
The affair started tentatively, as many great loves do. In 1986 Paul and I embarked upon our first trip to Europe together, and with 6 weeks to travel we explored England and then headed down through the continent where finally, in Brindisi at Italy’s heel, we met the ferry that carried us to Greece. I thought that I would recognize England as my magic place because of my deep connection to the people who worshiped the earth, and the grand mysteries found there–but it didn’t dig in deep enough, it didn’t call loudly to me though it was engaging and beautiful and very familiar, and we had great fun exploring Berkshire, where Paul had lived as a young teen. London was a grand adventure down historic halls and streets, through museums and art galleries and was my first experience touching the walls of buildings many hundreds of years old, walls I’d wished could speak to me. In the countryside we hiked heathered hill and dale and in the West Country, in Dartmoor, bundled against the bitter winds we sprawled in the center of prehistoric stone circles, and ran with the dartmoor ponies. I was drawn to all of the Goddess sites and stone circles that called me to a time beyond memory, and where the Tor and Chalice Well in Glastonbury drove me mysteriously to gentle tears, I fell ill in all of the magnificent Cathedrals and Churches we visited (I am allergic to Organized Religion.). All the while, my Peaceful Paul ran like an excitable child over battle sites with ground steeped in blood of the ancestors and through museums that housed and honored the tools of war! Though gorgeous and generous, I found England haunting, with a reserve both dark and fragile.
Of course, France was beautiful as well–haughty, well turned out, and though waiting for spring to arrive with its gift of greens and colorful blossoms, it was fresh and romantic. In Paris we lodged in the Latin Quarter, on the left Bank, and walked the parks and the maze of Parisian streets, viewed paintings of the Masters at the Jeu de Paume and the Louvre and sat in the street-side literary cafes sipping café crème and listening for the cries and whispers of Sartre, Anais Nin and other wordy ghosts. We also, as fairly ignorant and untouched Americans, were a bit unnerved by the sight of an armed soldier at almost every corner–nothing new for Europeans, but new to us. There had been threats to Embassies there, and just earlier in the month a bomb had exploded aboard a TWA flight en route from Rome to Athens, and Libyans bombed a disco frequented by American service folk in Berlin. In retaliation, the US bombed Tripoli and Benghazi. Things were a little hot. Welcome to the real world. “Don’t go!” friends and family pleaded. This was only the first of many journeys we’ve undertaken that found that part of the world disrupted by terrors and wars and sometimes-violent protest. We’ve found them all to be experiences that only served to further educate and enrich us.
In the countryside we slowed down for a moment. People were generous and friendly, delightful after our experiences of the brusque Parisians. Tired, we easily hitchhiked from the train to Giverny where we sat in Monet’s garden, by the pond in front of his home, an experience not unlike my first trip to Disneyland as a child in the ‘50s–or that extra dollop of fresh crème atop a cranberry apple crumb pie. Unsurpassable. (even though I sat just imagining a vivid wash of color, as the water lilies and garden flowers were still yet to erupt with the coming spring.)
Italy only got a quick pass-through via the super-fast TGV to Torino, and from there via the ‘mail train’ that rattled and hummed and stopped in EVERY small village along its way through the long night to Rome. Outside Roma Termini, with only time enough for coffee and picnic supplies, we were met by big, red block letters written on an old wall in the piazza that read, in English, ‘Americans You Die Here’. Yet another important reminder that the world is much bigger than our sheltered lives had led us to know. The Colosseum, viewed briefly from the window of our train, was all else of Rome we were able to glimpse as we headed towards Brindisi to meet our ferry.
The ferry, via Corfu on to Patras, afforded us our first real rest in 3 weeks. Sailing the Ionian blue, creeping silently past small islands and the mainland hooded in morning mist, we began to strip off layers of tension and were able to sense that we were soon coming to the experience we had set upon this journey to find. We made it to Athens just as the sun was crowning and, dumped from a bus in Omonia Square, we were surrounded by nothing at all that was familiar; unfamiliar language, unfamiliar street culture, men on burros traversing busy streets, at dawn already teeming with cars spewing unmetered pollution, but somehow we found our way to a small hotel on the edge of Plaka, the pedestrianized tourist quarter of old Athens, where that night from our humble balcony we would watch the full moon rise over the majestic, ancient Parthenon perched atop the Acropolis. For several days we feasted upon offerings of modern and ancient Athens … walking the smooth stone paths that Socrates and Plato had tread, finding the ancient civilization palpable, staring at us from every corner in the museums and statuary and in the monuments made of marble that had stood strong in their various guises through the millennia, but now, with the advent of cars and the touch of modern man were just beginning to crumble. We sat in open tavernas, eating, drinking, watching the tides of tourists, feeding the street dogs and eventually feeling the world fall away, leaving us, only us. And we fell in love. Again and again.
After several days in the city we were ready for some softer island culture. What we hadn’t yet realized is that we’d arrived in Greece at the advent of the Greek Orthodox Easter week, and people were filling ferries to head home to their families on the islands of their birth for the big celebrations. Like most American 1st time visitors to Greece, we’d wanted to visit Santorini, or Mykonos – or anywhere within the sugar cube whitewashed archipelago of the Cyclades. But all of those ferries were full! Being near the end of April it was still too cold to travel overnight in deck class for 9 or more hours on the then very slow boat. (in other words, I wouldn’t do it.) What was available to us was passage via bus and ferry to the small island of Skiathos, in the NW Aegean chain known as the Sporades. We’d read of the islands, and while not the Cyclades, the call of a verdant beauty and sun-bleached beaches drew us on.
A 4 hour bus trip, up the mainland from Athens and through agricultural lands growing wheat, grapes and olives, took us to the port town of Agios Konstantinos where we caught an old ferry out to the Sporades–Skiathos, Skopelos, Alonissos and the more distant Skyros. Sitting in warm spring sun we were gently ushered from city chaos and by the time the island of Skiathos came to view we’d been transported to another world. With first sight of the cozy fishing harbor, tranquil and filled with local fishermen’s colorful caiques … and the white, bougainvillea-draped houses spilling from the hills to the sea … Skiathos caught us up and reeled us in. Met immediately by a crowd of folks touting rooms to rent, rather than smartly sitting over retsina or ouzo in a waterfront Ouzerie to contemplate our next move, we went for the easy bait and dragged our exhausted selves behind our new host, walking the town’s narrow and very busy main street, dodging ponies trotting by with full loads of brick or wine on old carts, and un-muffled scooters competing with the rush of delivery trucks, on to an even busier road, dusty and flanked by gas stations and hulks of unfinished buildings, walking on and on ‘til we came to our room–sweet, with a view of the sea, but sterile and isolated. We were sequestered away from village life.
And then … the rain began to fall. In buckets, pushed by a very cold wind that reminded us it was still only April, the rains came and came and came.
WTF? This was Greece, not Iceland! I hated it! I was pre-menstrual. I missed my daughter Breelyn and hadn’t been able to call home to talk with her for many days, as all Greek Telephone operators (OTE) were on strike. (Various strikes, we came to find and experience many more times, were a common occurrence.) The rain was cold and driving and any clothing fit for colder climes we’d left back in our hotel in Athens. I was miserable. I became a whiny bitch. My lovely Paul–either wanting to save us from where my PMS misery was leading, or just because he loved me–found a room closer to the pulse, a dark, damp cubby with only one thin blanket on the bed, but at least we were in the village. I hunkered down through that first bitter night wallowing in self-pity. I curled up fetal, fell into fitful sleep and dreamed that the white wall behind me was all aglow (a fantastical orange halo emanated from my miserable, damp head, reflecting the neon unease symbolic of terrible news we’d heard on the ferry from Italy of the nuclear tragedy in Chernobyl) while Paul went out after midnight to observe the local spectacle of the Easter procession, winding through the town, the flower draped effigy of Christ born by pallbearers from the town’s main church, the rest of the village following in a trail of candle light.
I missed it.
I just wanted to go home, or at the least, head back to Athens and down to Crete where the weather ––and less radiated atmosphere––held more promise.
And then the sun came. Imagine drum rolls and heralds of trumpets, an angelic choir…
As it dried the spring damp, the sun lit us on fire. We found yet another room, one in an empty pension in the old neighborhood, Plakes, with a small balcony hovering above a shallow cliff to the sea. (cost then … 1,700 drachmae or $11.00.) From Matoula’s pensione we explored the quiet harbor–in 1986 still only dotted here and there by a few tavernas, an ouzerie and one kafenion populated by old guys singing and drinking coffee (or ouzo?) and playing backgammon; and shops, not tatty tourist traps, but places that locals could visit for real goods. We watched fishermen patiently mend their nets and then set out for another day of work; we walked and walked and then sat, for hours, over a bottle of retsina watching the town come alive at dusk, the people spilling out to socialize and embark upon the traditional evening ‘volta’, the walk along the quay with family and friends. Renting funky scooters–one with no brakes, the other unable to carry both of us together up many of the hills–we explored dirt tracks in the far reaches of the green and stunningly beautiful island, scooting through farmland past newly planted gardens and herds of goats to the old monasteries and then back to town though pine and cypress forests along the edge of the sea. Raised alongside the Pacific, I knew the sea to be angry, dark, cold and dangerous. Here, it was welcoming, soft and sensual, hosting the colors of some otherworld’s palette. Beaches, history, olive groves filled with wildflowers, people with the gift of an amazing candor and warm hospitality, warm sun, it all touched us with a marvelous fever.
Skiathos had infected us.
We have returned almost every year since, each visit giving us more insight into, and an ongoing education in Greek history and culture. We began to learn to speak and write Greek–something I likely won’t master to any real degree until I’m about 90. And the music–oh, the music! Such passion and poetry echoing the peoples’ many struggles, and their many triumphs, with notes and sounds and voices one can’t help but be moved by. Then there’s that Mediterranean diet, and the constant hiking here and there, steps to climb, moving one’s body from sunup to the wee hours, all contributing to wellness within and without. These visits offered us lasting friendships, and over time unveiled not only more of the beauties but also some if the island’s darker secrets–the plight of the dogs and cats of the streets. But were it not for the darkness, we would not know the light, so we embraced it all and fell hopelessly in love with the island and its people.
I venture there now for a month each year in springtime to call upon inspiration and tend to my own secret garden. It is the place where I easily access my most authentic self, and can fill up on calm enough to last me the rest of the year. Magic gets conjured in the perfect meeting of all of the elements there; the sun, the warm waters, balmy breezes and solid earth and under their spell I can sit for hours on a secluded beach, taking shade from a favorite tree while I read and write and doze and dream, and can float for hours on healing waters, and eventually become that water, the earth beneath me, the gulls and falcon soaring above me and the wind dancing through the trees. Priceless.
Paul and I have visited several times in the winter as well, opportunity to explore a more authentic Athens and delve into the mysteries of Delphi and Meteora, to visit friends living on the mainland in Karditsa and then moving on to Skiathos, where the island shows us its natural beauty stripped of tourists and busy-ness, in a season when the hard working locals have time to sit and chat. The small, wooden boats are ‘resting’ for the winter, out of the water and awaiting repairs or new paint. Empty beaches, empty alleyways, the local cultural events and Holy Day celebrations, wood smoke curling through quiet streets, bundled up against the chill north wind watching snow start to scatter through the clouds … it all brings us to a different intimacy with the island.
Now, I feel like Skiathos and I are old lovers. She welcomes me with open arms, we bicker and become dissatisfied with one another on occasion but she knows that I take nothing from her but inspiration (and a few rocks and shells) and give my undying loyalty–and feed and medicate her street kitties–in return. It is a bright light and peace in the midst of the cacophony of a world at war with itself. She gifts me with words in the first rays of sunrise as I sit on the veranda with my coffee and pen, gazing over the morning sea disturbed only by the rhythm of feeding dolphins or the wake of a small caique heading out for an early catch.
I do begin to long for this place when the dry summer starts it’s collision with the coming winter–there’s the knowing that I have a long journey ahead through the underworld before surfacing in the spring with its promise of respite. I catch my breath sometimes as I find the need to push her away so that I can stay present here, to be productive, and carry on with my work.
I am at work on my second novel–another set on a Greek island, but of a different tenor. It is a journey through change, the telling of a very successful but dispirited middle aged woman’s coming to terms with aging, her move away from sadness and fear, and into knowing and loving herself. Her companion–a gentle dog, a pit bull she’d pulled from US streets and the brutal life of a ‘bait dog’–not only helps her find her way, but also touches and changes the lives of islanders with an extraordinary exuberance in his ability to forgive, and to give.
While welcoming and relishing the next foray into the rich dark of winter … the words that come in the dark of the morn, dear friends and family, nights by the wood-fire, the rhythms of life here on the farm with Paul and Lovie, the cats and horses … I will just have to wait to see what the next series of Skiathos sunrises holds for me!
Maybe you have the desire to see if Greece holds ‘it’ for you? I am hoping to take a small group of independent travelers on a ’non-tour Tour’ to Athens and Skiathos in September 2014. If you would like to find out more about this ‘Journey To The Muse’ email me at eleanoremacdonald at gmail.com and I will send initial info on to you. You can also find ‘Journey To The Muse’ on Facebook.
A friend of ours, a happily transplanted Brit who now lives on Skiathos, took the photo below … he has a great blog, ‘The Skiathian – Life on a green island in the Aegean’, where one will find almost daily posts that will give you an insiders view.
all photos ©Eleanore MacDonald except the photo above by Skiathian.
Sometimes I am criticized for a tendency to ‘anthropomorphize’ – giving non-human forms human characteristics or human behaviors.
I don’t, really. What I do is recognize that the animals are sentient beings. They are conscious beings, they have complex social structure within their family groups and they respond to various stimuli or situations with what I wholly consider to be feelings. Not only with their instincts. As one who speaks “Animal” better than “Human”, and feels that they are better people than we human people are, I have no trouble with that. I believe that they must be treated with due respect, be listened to, have all of their needs met, and if quiet ourselves enough to able to really hear and feel them, we become acutely aware of their own vast array of what I can only consider to be emotions. Not emotions just like ours but perhaps emotions much more developed than ours, given that they still retain senses that we humans neglected in ourselves and therefore lost the use of in our evolution over the course of our life on this earth.
I’ve watched a mare mourn her dead foal. One cannot tell me that mare was not grieving, or at least feeling some semblance of what we recognize as grief as she stood with her head almost to the ground, moaning over the foals body for hours. I watched it all and, shaken to the depths of my own heart, touched into that reservoir of grief I’ve dipped in and out of throughout my own life. The mare grieved – and then moved on. The animals do feel, and feel deeply and then, because they live in the moment rather than the past or future, quickly let go – unlike like us humanoids who tend to dwell on our emotions/problems forever!
Most horses are very social beings, but my own mare could care less about whether or not she has an equine companion or even if there are others in her vicinity. She is a loner, happy with her human/canine/feline herd, and just tolerates Molly the pony who now shares her domain. However, years ago I witnessed an extraordinary scenario when Tempest began reacting to the calls of 2 horses being shod – out of her sight – at the farm across our lane. She called to them with a voice charged with something new to my understanding of her vocabulary – a high pitched scream that made every hair on my body stand on end – and then began to race the perimeter of her one acre pasture. Head and tail held high, ears pricked, she ran … calling to them with what I felt was recognition, and even a joy. As exuberant calls reverberated back and forth across our valley I walked up our drive to see who was causing the commotion and saw my friend’s horse trailer parked across the way with the two loud culprits tied to it.
Joe and Gray Thing were the herd/family that Tempest spent several of her youngest years with – but had not seen for 10 years.
For at least half an hour the 3 old friends conversed. There are always new horses in and out of that facility and often one hears the brief calls of horses greeting one another, but at that moment there were at least 10 other horses in the vicinity, none of them joining this conversation between Tempest, Joe and Gray Thing. They remained absolutely silent.
In short time the shared conversation turned from one of recognition to one of frustration and with the plaintive cries, Tempest’s ‘happiness’ deteriorated. Stressed and frantic, she ran back and forth along her fence-line acting as though she wanted to go OVER the 6 ft. fence to get to the source of those unseen but familiar voices. I put her in a smaller enclosure where she wouldn’t hurt herself in her frenzy. Eventually her two old companions were loaded up into their trailer and driven down the road – the 3 continued to vocalize until they could no longer hear one another. With Joe and Gray Thing gone, Tempest quit her storming about, settling in the far corner of her paddock closest to where their voices had come to her from. She stood motionless – and whined – yes, she whined, not whinnied – for what seemed an eternity. She gazed into the now quiet distance and moaned, and wouldn’t come to me for a carrot or sugar cube and simply was not her usual persnickety, demanding, funny self for several hours more. Then – she seemed to let it all go and was all business as usual, bossing her pony and begging for treats.
Was that nothing? Feeling? Instinct? Those horses responded to one another with a profundity that most humans sadly refuse, or fail, to recognize. Horses, dogs, cats, goats and cows are among the lovely beings that have graced my life with their loving presence, and their undeniable, otherworldly sensibilities with such great range of feeling. I find that they should ‘feel’ to be undeniable, and worthy of deep study.
So now we come to the Curious Case of Lovie Snugglebum.
Lovie is an insecure dog. I think she is a naturally submissive, fearful dog whose sad and terrible past deconstructed whatever courage she harbored naturally in her little being. That said, in the 8 months that she has been with us she has gone from a shaking bundle of sadness and fear to a part of the dog park pack, unafraid of other dogs and most humans. Especially those humans who are attached to ‘happy’ dogs. She radiates happiness herself, and has an undeniable sense of humor. Well tucked into our lives here at Dancing Dog Farm, she bounds about in an abundance of mirth, wrestling kitties and chatting up the horses, snuggling with us in bed in the early hours, providing us with an abundant supply of that precious currency we’d been stripped of for awhile – a dog’s joy.
Recently, I was away for an extended period. Physically, psychically and spiritually away, cradled in the arms of the Aegean. I journey to the North Sporades island of Skiathos yearly to revive and rejuvenate and consort with the spirits that tickle the words for me and encourage them to surface for air, the respite prompting the emptying of the old and stale. Then I fill up, with everything good that will help me continue whatever I endeavor to create here at home. The new book, my novel ‘The Turning’ got a good bit of energizing while I was there.
Paul, my dear and darling husband/partner/best friend stayed home so that I could go off to work with unbridled time to write – no business or gigs or life or hungry dogs, or impatient horses demanding my time. While I was there I received several frantic texts, usually in the middle of the night (10 hours difference in time between here and Greece) … “Tempest’s eye is F#####D UP again, what do I do?” and “Old Lily-cat can’t POOP! What do I do?” and … “I picked up the flyswatter and now Lovie won’t talk to me! She hides and cowers and thinks I am a monster! S.O.S! WHAT DO I DO?”
Poor Paul. Tempest, my 25-year-old quarter horse mare, has an eye that gives her – and us – unending grief. It gets irritated or ulcerates regularly, for no reason yet known to us or to our Vet. Paul has learned well how to be nursemaid to an 1100 lb. hooved being and after I reminded him of that, he powered up and doctored that eye like a pro, and all was well by the time I returned. Lily, our 20 year old cat, was fed a bit of butter – and all slid out just fine in the end. J But Lovie, dear little Lovie Snugglebum, remains a bit of a conundrum – for both Paul and I.
As we know, Lovie has a past – one that still sticks to her a bit and is cause for the preservation of a small reservoir of fear deep within herself. It was a terrible past, and being a submissive girl to begin with she hasn’t yet the courage to let the last of its scary shadows slip away, no matter she has been with us in our loving, calm home for 9 months. I believe in all seriousness that she lives with the canine version of PTSD. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. (Canine PTSD has been well studied, thankfully, and does indeed exist, not only in military dogs who have been involved in conflict and combat, but also in household pets who have suffered trauma.)
Why wouldn’t a sentient non-human who has been made to suffer terrible violence be afflicted with a condition like PTSD? (Lovie was shot with a pellet gun and beaten by worthless humans in her ‘past life’.)
The mammals, many species of which are our constant companions, have blood coursing through their veins. They suckle and mother and nurture their young just as we do. They feel physical pain and honor intricate social structures with their own kind – and others. They form lasting bonds with their own kind and all other forms of living beings. They have awareness of their bodies and the space around them, and are responsive and reactive to a wide variety of stimuli. How could they NOT also have a range of emotion, or perhaps (well, most likely) even something far more developed than what the humans limited perspective of feelings are? I think that they do.
Like humans I’ve known who suffer from PTSD, Lovie also generally appears to be happy, well settled and trusting. She gives the impression of being a normal, balanced dog – and is, most of the time, but PTSD causes one to feel stressed or frightened even when they’re no longer in danger – so even when safe with me, in the safety of the car, she will leap into the foot well of the back seat and shake violently in undeniable fear just the sight of men in big trucks with shaved heads and tattoos (really) in a parking lot or at the gas station. (She was beaten and essentially terrorized by such people.) In the safety of home with nothing to fear, a distant shotgun blast or the sound of a motorcycle on the highway, a chainsaw, loud voices and sometimes just anything NEW in her environs can send her into a fearful panic that shuts her down for the good part of a day.
Just instinct? Self preservation is an instinct, yes … but fear is an emotion.
While Paul was being the brave, lone caretaker of Dancing Dog Farm he decided that the new crop of houseflies had overstayed their welcome, and reached for the flyswatter. At this point Lovie had been with us for 8 months; she dotes on Paul, and he has never raised a hand nor his voice to her and never will. He hasn’t an unkind bit of DNA hiding anywhere in him – except for that one wee strand that allows him to eradicate evil bugs. With the first THWACK of the swatter Lovie panicked. Shaking violently, cringing, tail tucked, ears held back, panting heavily, all signs of distress, her PTSD kicked in. For the next few days Lovie wouldn’t come to him when he asked her to. She wouldn’t eat and wouldn’t even come for her favorite and usually irresistible treats. Paul had a hard time getting her to come into the house, her known sanctuary, and she would run off and hide from him in the bushes. But at night, finally back in the house, she would snuggle next to him on the bed. I suppose he was “OK” when he was asleep. Of course this certainly hurt his feelings but he carried on with patience and finally Lovie came back to her courage, and to him – but she wasn’t fully herself until I returned home from Greece and her ‘security system’ and all that is normal and known to her was once again intact and in place.
However, the evening after my return home, as he has a hundred times since Lovie came to live with us, Paul picked up a spatula while he was cooking dinner and Lovebug reeled in panic again.
We presume that the sight of what she perceives as something hurtful in our hands trumps her trust and sends her to the memory of something bad, and into fear. Panic. Why now, and not months ago, we may never know. I’ve never had a canine companion beset with the conundrums Lovie faces, so my frustration with this latest episode sent me searching for help. The next day I found myself hovering over a shelf-full of boxes of ‘ThunderShirts™’ at the pet store. I’d heard of these things … snug, stretchy, thin fabric jackets that, when fitted properly, will hug a dog’s body in a way that is said to make them feel more secure. I’ve seen a body-wrapping technique similar to this at work on fearful horses, helping them to connect brain to body and legs in stressful situations and in turn, be less anxious. So – why wouldn’t this ThunderShirt™ idea work for Lovie? I was a bit skeptical -and embarrassed, for here I was considering buying what some consider to be a ‘gimmick’, but in desperation I bought one. (Though I was sure I’d be sending it back for my ‘money back guarantee’ because it just wouldn’t live up to its promise!).
It works – to a degree, but that is enough for me! Not unlike Temple Grandin’s ‘hug box’, it has a calming effect and we have found that he T’shirt and various homeopathic remedies, and even melatonin in the most difficult of situations (4th of July) all help ease the suffering that usually sends her out into her ‘place of no return’. We watch for signs of stress, and the new things or sounds that might set her PTSD into motion, and when she begins to flounder, on goes the ThunderShirt™ and the darling little dear relaxes. She loves that darned thing, and even in this heat we’ve been having, over 105 for days on end, she wiggles in happiness at sight of it and stands quietly while it goes on. I testify!
We are also attending “school” with Beverly Mercier Ward … Beverley is a canine behaviorist who works with people and their ‘difficult’ dogs, as well as with dogs housed at Sammie’s Friends, many of whom are previously mistreated, misunderstood pit bulls in need of help in becoming balanced and therefore adoptable dogs. Beverley’s work is very successful, non-violent and reward (YUMMY treat) driven and Lovie relaxed quite easily into her class, with its tendency to provide something ‘NEW!’ with the addition of a new dog and its person each week! Mz. Snugglebum is pretty great at basic ‘obedience’, but that is not our reason for going to dog-school. We are there because Paul and I want to better learn how to maintain her focus when her panic sets in, and rather than retreating into her known habit of dealing with fear by disengaging from the world, to trust us to keep her safe and ultimately, to feel secure in herself. We now have hope that the new things, like me being gone for a month or her beloved Paul picking up an evil flyswatter, eventually won’t cause her well of courage to run dry and fry her security system. She may always have moments in which she catches glimpses of those ghostly fears, but we want to help her the best we can to go from being an 80% balanced and happy pup to 90% – always hoping, for her sake, for 100%!
And then Paul won’t have to worry about using the spatula.
Lovie has come a long way. As have Paul and I. Sometimes we long for the comfort of an uncomplicated dog-companion, but I’m thinking now that with patience, knowledge and understanding we really will have one in Lovie one day. Lovie Snugglebum, a sentient being capable of a range of emotion and more, fills our lives with goodness, and goodness knows we will continue to fill hers with the same.
(If anyone here has a ‘fearful dog’ companion, you might be interested in No Dog About It, a blog that has helped me understand a great deal more about fearful dogs – therefore empowering me to be of better help to Lovie.)
Rose colored mornings, magenta sunsets … all so typical of a northern California winter sky – but really, not day after day after day.
I find myself yearning a bit for the ravages of winter. Winter, with its bone damp and cheerless skies, furious winds and pelting rains driving every living thing to shelter … the nights by the fire, cats curled and snoring dog by my side, and raging fire in the stove complementing a glass of wine and a good book. It all turns me inward, happily seeking those deep and dark discoveries that nurture feelings that may have been folded up and laid off in a far corner, all stirring up the words that act as bridge from my secret shadows to the light. I write a lot in the winter. But this winter? What winter?
It seems so long go now that the mighty oaks that surround us here still wore their orange robes and dared winter to come and strip them bare, and drive the last of their life deep into the ground, deep into their roots, that quiet place that harbors the bit of life-force left over. There the flame grows and builds until spring sucks it all back up into the green glory of rebirth. I was so excited for the winter to come, then … I felt so like those trees, daring but ready to welcome the time I’d be sent to the underworld for the winter.
When the first great storm of our season was predicted and well on its way, I watched carefully as the wind began to whip and churn and then hit with a roar, the air suddenly alive with oak-leaf like panicked butterflies, and within an hour the orange robe was reduced to carpet under my feet and trees stood naked and shivering. The winds tore trees from the ground, felled them onto houses and roads, the rains backed up the seasonal streams and caused ponds to over fill and overflow turning pastures to lakes and our Yuba River into a torrent that shook me to the bone.
A few of these storms primed our winter and covered the neighboring hills and mountains with a white shawl – and then stopped coming.
A sun seeker such as myself cannot be driven indoors, let alone deep within when the skies are clear. There’s too much to do! With a little farm and its resident horses and goat to care for, the extra time allowed in any day was consumed by the sunny day routines normally left to the drier months. When clouds would cloak the sun, and the mists would rise from the valley to bathe us with that bone-cold chill, I rejoiced. Despite more than a month of mornings in the mid 20’s that I hacked – with a hammer – at 1 inch thick ice in the horse’s troughs, even those clear mid-January days that usually offer no warmth at all no matter how long you bathe in the sun’s light, were an illusion. I sat outside one day all dressed in my winter warmies actually hoping that the darkened skies, rays of sun biting through like shards of crystal, might somehow connect me to winter but started to peel the layers of fleece off as the sun warmed me too much. Warm sun in January.
Its interesting to me that, for me, this no-winter, rather than filled with words sprouting from fertile thought was time set instead deep in the doldrums. No current, no wind for my sails. Echoing the upturned season, perhaps, it has been filled with what I consider to be ‘spiritless writing’, hours spent pouring over old words as I continue to stuff them into the various and very different tight harness’ that are required of agents and publishers I pursue for ‘Graces’. 380 words distilled into synopsis of 1 page, 2 pages, 5 pages, or a chapter-by-chapter outline. A 2 paragraph summary, or how about a 2 page summary? Drives me nuts. It’s the part of being an author that I hold no fondness for. There has seemed to be little left over energy to put into this blog, or into my new novel that wants to burst out and thrive in the light.
But I’m starting to see that the gift of this no-winter’ is just that. Time to ride out the doldrums with the hard stuff – leave the flowers to the spring.
Now I am tired of mourning winter’s missing and am driven to get on with welcoming spring. (Watch, we’ll get another monumental storm next week, now that I’ve said that!)
There has been one lovely plus offered up by the non-winter – the lack of mud! Not only because of the horses, but because we now have lovely Lovie in our lives, who loves nothing more than diving head first into a puddle, digging frantically until it is a roiling mass of muck, coming up for breath now and again until she is finished with what I only surmise she considers to be her masterpiece – a broad dog smile shining out from the black sticky mud that covers her head to her shoulders, and her paws to her belly. So … that lack of muddy earth has been a blessing in one sense!
Lovie has gained 12 pounds since she came to us, a frightened ball of bones, in September. She’s such a joyful sprite who in the kind weather has been able to spend hours each day discovering what it is like to be the puppy she never got to be! She turned 1 in January (our guess) and upon reaching that milestone, began doing the devilish things pups are known to do… shoes or tools, or anything within reach actually, waggling from her mouth as she runs and leaps her way to the barn and back, happily bringing them when called only to grin and leap away to the far ends of the acres where we only can find her prizes after a major hunt … inserts gnawed, cats chased, hiding prized gopher heads in her mouth to deposit onto the hearth rug, jumping up to stand on the car hood, (“but the cats do it…”) joyfully dismembering and disemboweling her stuffies one by one and spreading their insides to the four directions. Really, all we see is a dog allowed to ‘become’ herself; a spirit once so encased in a fear that she could see goodness in nothing, allowed to emerge in safety, she’s burst from her chrysalis, and with her new joy has come a personality so enormous no darkness could ever again contain. Her once-deep well of fears is now very shallow, with only a few shadows left clinging to its crumbling walls. She still trembles at the sound of loud motorcycles and gunshot, and has distrust really of only one last person who I just think doesn’t understands dogs or what it was that she had to live through in her past, but we’re doing our best to help her move past these last remnants. She loves the dog park, her pack and their happy people, and at about 1:30 each day begins to pester and implore, as it surely is time to go… to run and wrestle with Buddy and Karma and Fred and other dogs who like her, came from devastated lives to emerge joyful bringers of happiness. We can’t say ‘Karma’, or ‘dog park’ out loud unless we can stand the time that follows that she wines and frets as she insists “get thee there”. (She is learning Greek now – like Djuna did before her – and soon ‘tha pa’me to parko?’ is something we’ll be spelling rather than saying.)
We love our Lovie, a bright blessing
that sprang from a different sort of
the one that enshrouded us
for a long time after Djuna died, a winter of the soul.
So now, in February as the daffies and narcissus persist in their usual trajectory from earth to sun and on to their big show, exploding into blossom at the end of the month, I brush away the annoyance I’ve felt by being snubbed by winter and start tending to the juicy shoots starting to emerge in ideas and words … my own ‘big show’, I presume, whatever it may be. It’s good that this life keeps us guessing…
One flower that emerged from the non-winter and the decomposing remains of my life in modern folk music – I am organizing an early September ‘non tour’ to Greece for 8 to 12 independent travelers … I will be the ‘midwife’ rather than a ‘tour guide’ for those who choose to come along – there to ensure a safe and comfortable birth into experience of the culture and this place I love so well. I will arrange transportation, accommodation and furnish ways to experience the Greece and island beauty that lives behind the veil that many regular travelers never get past. We will start with 2 full days exploring history and antiquity in Athens and then travel to a group of islands in the western Aegean, the Sporades … the gates of the wind … namely, to the island Skiathos, a gorgeous, verdant place to which Paul and I have traveled to for 27 years, where one can explore delight, swim, just sit and stare, eat, drink, hike, visit other neighboring islands … paint with my dear friend Yvonne Ayoub, learn about myth and magic and history of the islands with my friend, historian and author and resident of Skiathos, Victoria Sandels … or spend quiet time somewhere that is purely magical, with me, working on writing prompts … Something for everyone. If any of you are interested, please let me know how best to contact you.
Breathing in, breathing out. Welcoming Spring, now … In Gratitude.
Always… the dogs saved me.
It’s hard for me to remember times in my life that found me deep in a state of doglessness. I’ve always had gentle beings in dog bodies guiding me. My first memories are of a dog. When I was three or four, there was Queenie – a Weimeraner, with me through the unsettling times that my adoptive parents spent screaming at one another. A big, gray pillow of love I would rest upon, curl up with to snuggle away the scaries. After watching Virginia, my mother, ride on horses I think I must have gotten the idea that perhaps I could do the same on Queenie. She immediately told me no, by piercing my ear. And then she was gone.
Cherie, a small black mass of poodle curls, got me through my Mother’s death. He slept with me, was always by my side and kept that monumental loneliness that only a motherless child feels just hovering in the shadows. He taught me to stand up for myself and bite the ankles of those who were not nice people (in my case, not literally) and even to share, as he shared his milk bones with me! He taught me the language of Dog and took me for long conversational walks, and slept curled in my bed where we whispered to one another until the good dreams took over. He pooped in the swimming pool one day; I think to spite my evil stepmother. And then he was gone.
Their being taken from me left a gaping chasm in my already inflamed soul. They had helped me survive a sadness that too many of us suffer as children, that some never recover from… They let me know that no matter what, I was OK and would be OK, that I was loved, that I was safe. I mourned them even more than I mourned my missing mother. And those two were just the beginning – I’ve always felt the need to pay them back in kind and so it seems a dog or three have always been by my side.
Until March, when Djuna had to leave…
I’ve written so much about him here on these pages, I need say no more other than that his leaving us was a devastating blow – and through our grief, our missing him at every turn, with a dreadful, dog-shaped hole in our hearts we were left doomed to a spate of doglessness. Being quite busy helped. Music, the farm, writing … being in Greece, filling our cups with the light and inspiration that always nourishes us to our bones, it all helped. Paul and I engaged in many a conversation that helped to ease our missing of Djuna and nudge aside a bit of heart, enough to begin to think of bringing in a new companion to fill the holes, should he or she find us.
It was a ‘Yes’ day, something I wake up to on occasion. I would say ‘yes’ to anything that came my way, leaving all doors open to let the light in.
On my list of things to do that day was to go to our local animal shelter, Sammie’s Friends, to deliver copies of ‘All The Little Graces’ which they sell as they wish and keep the proceeds to benefit the animals there. It’s the least I can do. I also was going to apply to possibly adopt one of a litter of Border Collie pups that had been dumped on the angels there as newborns. I had to be ‘approved’ in order to see them when they were ready for the world, and approved I was. As it is now a no-kill shelter, it doesn’t break my heart to walk through and give love to (and get love from) each of the dogs and cats there as I know that they will all eventually find the home they deserve. The ulterior motive here is to see if ‘The One’ happens to be there waiting for me – but though the shelter is filled with lovely dogs, none of them told me that I was ‘The One’ for them.
Upon returning home, as I walked through the door the phone rang. “Eleanore, a dog just came in that I think you need to see” Maureen said. Oh geez, I’d just driven the 20 minutes from town – but it was a ‘yes’ day, so off I went, back to the shelter.
And in came the light.
The dog kennels are in a cement block building, vibrating that afternoon with the loud joy of dogs that knew it was time for their afternoon walkies. It was if hungry lions were roaring, the sound overwhelming and terrifying, and I almost had to cover my ears.
She lay there in a heap of fear, plastered to the cold cement floor as though trying to become one with it, trying to disappear from a terrible, loud world filled with pain and sadness. She shivered uncontrollably, teeth chattering, terror radiating from her emaciated body like shards of lightning. I sat, trying to sooth her with a voice that usually works to bring the scared ones to safety, but she was absolutely shut down. Eyes vacant, there was no response other than even more violent trembling. I scanned her for signs of her past and saw that besides being skeletal, her little body was scattered with open wounds. My heart shattered right there.
“She can’t stay here.” I said. ‘She’ll die of fright’. I was told that she had been carried in by a harried woman with toddlers her side. She was 8 months old and good with dogs, children – and cats. With 19-year-old Queen Lily at home, those were words that clinched the deal and I heard myself say (while another self was yelling ‘No NO NOOOOOOO Eleanore!”) – “I’ll foster her.”
It took me four hours to coax her out of the car. I sat, reading by the open car door, trying to let her know that she was safe. Darkness fell and I needed to get Posy goat put to bed for the night. Frustrated, I walked Posy to the goat villa and en route whispered to Djuna, wherever he may be. “Help her, please.” When I turned back to the house, there she was – standing in the open, tail tight between her legs, but out of the car. It seemed to be her safety zone, and she dipped in and out of it, trying her legs on new ground, looking for trouble and when her well of courage emptied, she’d hop back in to fill back up.
She slept in the car that night.
The next day, she came in after much coaxing – and immediately found Djuna’s sofa. Her power-spot. I examined her, doctored open wounds, and when she’d summoned enough of that special courage she had, she began to explore a bit. She returned from our bedroom with Djuna’s favorite (disemboweled, destuffed) stuffie, the hedgehog hanging from her mouth. A bit of a twinkle in her eye. Tail wagging. I have no idea where she found it. Maybe Djuna showed her.
Paul and I awoke at dawn the next morning, just at the time that Djuna would always come to snuggle with us, to this thin little being jumping on the bed – and taking Djuna’s place. “I’m afraid I like her.” Paul said.
Lovie is her name. She’s had her ups and downs here but once the dark shroud of trauma began to wear away, Lovie began to come alive. She started her second life like a tight rosebud, and shedding her fears one by one slowly opened to the light of love, as a flower opens to the sun. Each fresh petal told us more of her story. The sound of motorcycles in the distance sent her into a panic. She’d been terribly mistreated and had swellings on her body, signs of abuse. Large men with no hair and gruff voices brought on the shivers, her coat pilo-erect. The sounds of children in the distance perked her up, and while she eschewed kibble for days, she LOVED the rustle of a bag of chips, and dove into the butterscotch wormer the vet offered her. Chips and Candy! She’d had children of her own, and likely was their angel, that buffer between them and violence in the home. Dogs terrified her. She was covered with open bite wounds and old scars. We discovered that he’d been shot, as there were pellets under her skin, showing in small and hard, round wounds that she chewed at furiously for her first few days here … and purged herself of the pellets as though purging herself of her past life.
A bit of bird-dog betrays her lineage as we watch her sneak up on the birds and then hold a perfect ‘point’. She follows their flight path with envy and sometimes tries to take off after them. She loves water and mud puddles and has her own little pool now that she leaps into from six feet away with great, triumphant splashes, rolling and wallowing and grunting like a little pig. (We’ve found it to be difficult to keep her out of the horses’ water troughs.)
Lovie is just a pup, probably for the first time, really, in her short life. She’s learning how to ‘be’ in love and in safety, but really has come so far, so quickly. She’s studied the book that Djuna left behind for her in all of his scents that still linger. Food is good. Burying bones is good. Zoomies, leaping and flying and dancing, tongue waggling – good. Stuffies and sticks and water and pinecones – and socks and shoes are all good. (But Djuna forgot to tell her the part about bringing all of the things she asks us to throw for her, or those things she steals, back to us, running right past in mischievous squigglyness instead.) People are good. She has a job keeping us in line and making us laugh. She has horses to watch over and cats to cuddle – and is learning to speak the dignified language of ‘goat’. Greek will be next. With the great compassion kind dogs have, her boyfriend ‘Rudy’ has melted her icy fears and she now plays and leaps and runs with indomitable joy. She now loves the dog park and her pack of ‘littles’ there, and the larger dogs who can only try to keep up with her deer-like agility.
The car is REALLY good, and with the window open she leans her head on the sill, eyes closed, blissfully studying the notes that come to her in the wind. She’s been through ‘cat school’, being tutored, severely at times, by Madame Lily who, at 19 still has it in her to show her how to become an Honorary Cat. She has been to the beach. The pictures here tell us what she feels about that.
Lovie has been with us for two months now, is sleek and soft – we can’t see her ribs any more.
And she smiles.
With an incredible capacity for forgiveness, Lovie blossoms, filling our once dog-joyless home with the essence of great contentment- and a lot of laughter – echoing and magnifying all of the happiness (that filled dog shaped holes) that was graced us by all those who came before her – and when she comes up on the bed and nestles into our warmth … we smile.
People tell me how lucky she is that we rescued her.
But we’re the ones who’ve been rescued. Lovie Cupcake saved us, from a life of doglessness.
I’ve been creeping along the cyber highways on an ancient iBook, the infrastructure crumbling beneath me as I inch along… It has been making it nearly impossible for me to work with photos, and to get a new blog out there that will resemble anything that I might envision! So, thanks to kindness, I now eagerly await the arrival of a new computer that will speed me into the 21st century and effortlessly along the Blogobahn! Please bear with me – next week I’ll finally be able to post the new one – #20 ~ Saved From A Life of Doglessness.
Like many people, I thrive on quiet… Within the quiet is where I divine inspiration and can access my most authentic self. It is hallowed ground, where the ego eventually goes missing, sometimes for hours at a time. Most of us have a special ‘place’… or places… where we can easily release and relax, and can access that deep, deep well within. For some, it is as close as their own home. For others, it is on the other side of the world.
I’ve been blessed with a sense of ‘place’ here at home since I first moved to Nevada City, CA in ’74 and discovered the joys of swimming naked in the Yuba River; a river I wrote about in the very first posting here in The Endless Sea. Mama Yuba… gorgeous and wild, studded with large, soft white granite boulders and emerald pools, cool, crisp and deep.
There’s something so incredibly nourishing and healing about lazing about on sensual rocks emanating the healing heat of the sun, melting stiffness and burning off stagnant energy… and then diving into crystal, swirling, caressing water, Mama Yuba taking all of one’s cares with her, away to the sea. I spent all of my afternoons there in my 20s and many into my 30′s… always with my constant companions, my water-dog lovies, Macushla and Jovi… and Rose and Callie, and then of course my darling daughter Breelyn, who, like so many of the babies born of the ”flower children’ here in Nevada City, was raised in the rivers arms; learning to walk, run, swim and leap from rocks at the Yuba. Learning to be free.
Life grew busy, our daughter and her friends grew, the water dogs left us and farm dogs took their place and the Yuba is now like a distant relative visited only on occasion, the visits always leaving me with that ‘DAMN, why don’t we visit more often?” feeling… because it still is ‘that’ place.
As life broadened and the reach of my heart carried me over the sea to a new menu of culture and color and discovery, I came to know and love many others – but it really wasn’t until I discovered Greece in ’86 that a new sense of place began to develop.
It took awhile. Paul and I, sometimes with Breelyn, sometimes with friends, kept being drawn back to an island in the archipelago of the Sporades in the NW Aegean, and after years of discovery, and then that discovery infiltrating my dreams and my words and then my heart, I finally got it.
THIS is my place.
Like the Yuba back then, THIS is where the ultimate release, relaxation and divinity comes now. But it is more than that. Over years of developing a very intimate relationship with the island of Skiathos – getting to know the people there, the nooks and crannies, the gorgeous, magical places behind the mists, that veil that shields them from the track of the ordinary and the hordes of summer visitors – this has become the place where I feel most alive.
Upon setting foot on this island home I am instantly grounded, settled deep within Mother’s arms. Relief. Respite. It takes a few days to expel the heavy, stagnant air from my being… to let go, to still the crazy making jumble of random thought and anxiety, and the frenetic energy of ordinary life as I know it here, in order to make room for the extraordinary, that lightness that invariably follows.
And then, it starts to trickle in. After being surrounded by the history of the Ancients and their kin, a passionate, lyrical people; after inhaling the culture and stunning colors and sea mist, eating and drinking far too much; watching the sun’s rise, daily, over an otherworldly sea while being serenaded by the waking swifts and gulls and even the occasional fisherman setting out for his morning’s catch… and after days spent at water’s edge, and hours spent bathing in the very healing sea, I empty out the unnecessary and begin fill up with that lightness. In the blushed, or sometimes tempestuous, dawn the words begin to pour out onto the page, tears and laughter flow effortlessly and the spoken word quiets. I go missing from the ordinary world sitting there with toes almost to the water where I AM the gull, the sun, the water, the sandy shore… the dolphins feeding just 20 meters away; the goats, their tinkling bells filling the atmosphere with a delicate music, browsing the verdant hills … and the Eleonora falcon soaring overhead. And comes the quiet. That’s it. Divinity. As my head empties, my heart eases. Priorities shift. It gets no better than that.
What a gift, this place.
I honor it and cherish it and carry it home, within the womb that IS me … and it is me, for as long as I can maintain that calm presence.
After about a month passes, when the sea seems farther way and the hot air of an inland northern California summer dries my skin and hair, and time and life and the world around me threatens again to dry my spirit, feeling as though I might just shatter, I remember that place. It’s inside. What I gestated while there can come to birth again and again if I go deep within and connect with source.
Yes, I know that I am fortunate to be able to go so far away to touch in with that particular beauty. But we’re not famous or wealthy – we have bills and a mortgage and old, broken cars, horses and other critters with feed bills and vet bills. Land to maintain. Just like anyone, we have responsibilities in this ordinary life. We scrimp and save our coins and dollars and block a time out on the calendar a year ahead, sacred time that nothing can touch, give ourselves permission… and go.
I’ve asked this before… but I will ask again. What is your place, your ‘endless sea’? How do you find it, where is it, how does it make youfeel, what do you carry away from it? Does it help you to gather up your strength and enable you to shine your own special light all around you into this troubled world somehow – whether you are a car mechanic, waitress, mother or father, artist, doctor, laborer… What is your place?
I would love to hear from you. Please write it out, leave a comment here so we all can bathe in the light you shine and take our own deep, cooling drink from your vast well.
I am working on a new blog post, I am, I am!
It’s been a bit of a whirlwind, with a month away – that ‘season’ for my gathering up of fresh inspirations and impressions in my nets, those gifts that come coursing in great rushes on the Aegean tides and her balmy airstreams. Upon coming home, I am always faced with the responsibility of maintaining the gift Skiathos gives me, an utter calm and connection to authenticity, but this year I was able to be ‘in’ that while completing my Kickstarter campaign and seeing that ‘All The Little Graces’ came into the world as a ‘real’ book through a steady and uncomplicated birth!
The book has been delivered to Sammie’s Friends and the Skiathos Dog Shelter so that they can sell it and keep all of the proceeds; it’s been sent out to my Kickstarter Angels, delivered to the local bookstore and has had it’s first ‘reading and signing, it’s ‘coming out party’ so to speak – a beautiful affair in which the bits of readings were paired with perfectly matching snippets of musical improvisation by my friends in Beaucoup Chapeaux ! I am currently working on promotion so that it may find it’s way out into the world, and starting again to query publishers and agents in that eternal quest for traditional publishing. Paul and I have had some lovely Festival performances (the Kate Wolf Festival) and after our next, and last, summer gig I see a world of possibility opening up before me – time to reel in those nets filled with color and characters and the fruits of research and plot and sift through it all in order to make a real start on my next novel.
All The Little Graces can be found in paperback at my Createspace page as well as at Amazon, where you also can find the wealth of reviews that have come in; you will also find it at Amazon UK and all of the other European Amazons that exist out there in cyberspace … If you prefer to read an eBook, ‘Graces’ is found in that format at all of the usual outlets.
Coming soon … a new blog installation, one straight from the source, the home of my Muse.